For this month’s blog post I want to share a poem I wrote to my depression at one point in my life many years ago when I was in a really dark place.  I was so filled with pain that I had started writing poetry as a way to let it out.  While this isn’t a representation of where I am today I still think it’s important to share where I’ve come from and to let others know that are still in the dark pit of depression that there is a way out.  

There you are
Always there...lurking
I can quiet you, most of the time

But when the busy slows down
and time opens up
you see your window; you begin your ascent

from below my gut you begin with the ache
I recognize you but it's still subtle
I reach for the snacks

my outward restlessness grows in anticipation
I try to fight back
I pour a drink
That quiets you, you fucking demon

now numb I feel safe to address that familiar ache
why are you here?
nope, not numb enough, that stirred it up
more drinks

no longer afraid to damage myself in order to quiet the unwelcome visitor 
I reach for the white powder
that does it
now I'm even happy
what ache?

and so you continue, unaddressed, you grow in power
waiting for the next opportunity to pounce
lucky little demon, now this poor body is weak and sick

you seize the opportunity knowing it will be an easy win
I can feel your sneer but I'm too sick to block you
you rush up from the depths and squeeze fully around my whole chest

engulfed now in a heavy darkness that drags me down into the blackest of holes
I succumb and feel the pain
the wringing out of my insides;
the twisting and pulling of my chest
and the voice in my head that says "you did this"

I almost can't handle it
I think "this time I won't make it"
I beg for sleep, anything to stop it, but it won't come

I attempt to rationalize my way away from you but there's no escape
I have no choice
now I have to sit in it. with you. 
I toss and turn and thrash
it hurts so much

you nestle in and set up camp on my chest
not weakening; no surrender
you really want to make this one count, don't you?
a waterfall of tears now pouring down my chest

what's my lesson this time old enemy?
why are you here again?
now answer; just pressure and repeated kicks in the stomach
how long will you be here? I plead

Silence

alone I try to manage the demon that lives inside me
I try so hard to keep you at bay
but you return. every time. you find your way back

I sink and sink and sink into the black hole as I wait. and wait.
there's no other option
I hide and survive.  it's all I can do.